How to create a safe space

The world is a scary place. There’s about 7.2 billion people on earth, and sometimes, people have the nerve to say things that you might not like. A growing number of universities are implementing safe spaces into their (once) highly esteemed campuses to protect bleeding hearts — and other people who somehow managed to get to university — from dissenting opinion, Oppression™, and men.

Sometimes, these safe spaces aren’t safe enough. Thousands of brave people die every day from being offended by things. So, in this guide, I’m going to show you how to create a safe space, so you’ll never be offended ever again.

Step 1: Get your affairs in order

First, you’re going to need to find someone you can trust, and get them to help you get your affairs in order. Go with them to your bank, and open a joint bank account. Deposit enough money into the bank account to cover your expenses for a few months. Instruct your friend to pay your your rent and utilities for the next few months.

Next, cancel your internet, pay TV, newspaper and phone subscriptions. You’re not going to be needing them for the next few months.

Don’t forget to tell your Tumblr followers that you won’t be online for a few months.

Step 2: Get some equipment from the hardware store

Take a measurement of your bedroom windows and doors. Then, head down to your local Bunnings and buy some wood, some nails, a hammer, and some ear plugs.

Step 3: Board up your bedroom

Use the wood to board up your bedroom. Cover the doors and windows with the wood. For extra protection, you can also barricade your doors and windows with your cupboard or desk

Step 4: Be safe

Use a cloth to cover your eyes, put on the ear plugs, and lie down on your bed.

There. You’re safe now. You can’t be offended by anything.

When the power gets cut off, you’ll know that you’ve run out of money. At this point, you can solicit donations over the internet, try to rort Centrelink, or just get on with your life like everyone else.

Hope this helps.